In Search of Zen

For the first time since I cannot remember, my bed is cleared of all laundry and properly made up. Depression manifests for me in clutter and the winter blues followed by my nephew's suicide beat me down hard. To some affect the latter is still taking a toll. 

 

As the Warrior Dash approached my depression grew; I wanted to run it with my nephew and that was no longer possible. The negative mindset manifested this week and I slipped in the locker room after a pool session and smacked my knee, which wrenched under me, into the tile. With a knot the size of a goose egg and no medical insurance, there was no way in hell I was going to attempt to run it. 

Every mile I didn't run this summer was too easily soothed by junk food -- specifically cupcakes. The positive reinforcement wheel was busted. Grief followed by binges of junk led to physically feeling like hell again. This just kept on cycling until I finally started to feel like I wanted to physically feel healthy again. Which I do. A solid 14lbs were put back on since April and I'm a bit pissed at myself. Mad enough to do something about it. 

We're slowly starting to have more good days than bad; I broke down and cleaned my kitchen first and finally started using it again. As simple as my culinary skills may be, I find it cathartic to prep more than baggies of protein powder. Clean up still sucks but I'm developing a habit of washing dishes and utensils immediately. Mr. Mess oddly finds his shiny and clean stainless steel sink pleasing. 

This is a good sign. For months there were things you ought not have to witness going on in that sink. I spotted a miniature Sleestak colony forming in there and fled for higher ground. 

Organization has always been an area in my life that needs improvement so I enlisted a friend to help. I will tell you that if you suck at something, seek out someone who doesn't suck at that something and get help. Knowing your strengths and outsourcing your weaknesses is good for this business of life. 

 The large closet is now dubbed the Little Room studio/office/treasure room. Desk, most comics and collectibles, and office crap is almost all in. This is the first blog transmitting from the new room, it's quite cozy in here! Now I gotta shuffle the other stuff where? Ah, apartment life!

After a year and a half I'm finally unpacking from the debacle in Louisville which included a move home to deal with Pop's coma and subsequent passing. 

Most of my life I've felt like a leaf being spun about in the wind but I think I'll settle a spell here by the water and make this place a home...for now. Wedding contracts for summer 2014 are already starting to roll in :) And my site should launch hopefully before my birthday. 

I'll be writing soon about a friend who has done AMAZING since our first reality show casting call so stay tuned. 

Until next time- keep moving ever forward, one step beyond!

JW

American Nightmare, Runnin' Scared: Couch to 5K to Couch

True Believers,

Two months ago I "started" with the Couch to 5K app. In order to see what the program was like I opted to use the free version. The following is an account of my experience focusing on day one and where I am currently.

The weather was nearly perfect so I decided to get in some cardio while visiting my Mum in the Shire. When I dropped weight back in 2001-2002, regular walks were a part of my ritual and the country roads near my parents house were a great escape.Minus the bugs there were few issues to contend with and the time near the trees was more uplifting than hitting a track.

When time and energy weren't an issue, I'd also take relatively short cruises on my bike back then. Minimal traffic made conditions safe and usually the hills were the worst part. Bored with my usuall route, I opted one day for a straighter, more level path in hopes of getting in some additional distance. The choice ended up elevating my heart rate quite a bit more than anticipated!

One thing about country living is that it is relativiely care free. There is plenty of space and the noise of the city gets replaced by peace and quiet. With all that room to roam people often let there dogs loose on their property. The huffing of a fat man on a bike is a welcoming sound to doggies who are bored and protective.

On my bike ride I heard the chorus of the hounds kick in. Since I could tell by the tone that they were hounds I figured that they were probably chained since most hunters fear losing their prized hunting partners. I was wrong in this case.

As I cleared the tree line I could see the house setting back off the road. The attached garage door was open and there was a car inside so I figured someone was home. As I looked closer I spotted two dogs slowly coming around the corner. I stopped and stared for a second then continued to pedal. And the game was on.
They immediately bolted after me! Even on a bike my fat arse isn't that fast so before they cleared the property I clumsily unsaddled from the bike. This didn't stop them so I stood behind my bike using it as a shield. They circled and growled as I continued this rediculous dance and wondered what my next step would be. They both began trying to aggresively approach from different sides and I was growing tired of the interaction. The usual commands were of no use, "Awww who's a good boy" baby talk wasn't working which sucks because I like dags.

 I feared we were going to have to get slightly physical. About the time one was near breeching my personal space, the shirtless hilbilly that owned them yelled for them. Thanks, buddy! How long did you watch beforre you decided to yell? They retreated and so did I! Ne'er to tread tire again in the Shire.

Why tell that story about biking you ask? Because it relates directly to both my lack of memory and my first country run.

Usually when we are scared or threatened we remember the circumstances and do what we can to avoid them. Bored with my usual route, I opted for a more challenging path with some hills and new scenery in hopes of getting in some more distance...you see where this is going.

As I walked up the slight hill the Couch to 5K app timer was winding up the five minute warm up. Metallica's "Am I Evil" was just kicking in and I was totally stoked to kick off my first 30 second run interval! Passing the tree line, I started to experience an oddly familiar feeling. And then I heard a deep, much shorter, bark. This wasn't a hunting buddy hound, it was a gaurd dog. More specifically it was a very large Rottweiler. And he wasn't alone.

No sooner did the two dogs stand up and look did the Cto5K app chime with the lovely voice that said "run". Believe me, I've not wanted to run that much in YEARS! Knowing that doggies love the chase, I opted to switch sides of the road, pick up a small tree branch, and calmly walk back to whence I came. They didn't follow.

Unfortunately consistency didn't follow either. I'm way behind my training schedule for the Warrior Dash which is three weeks away. The following are my excuses: work, work, heat index, apathy, and a dislike for running.

I really wanted to run this race with my nephew who passed away in April but it's just not the same. The thought of doing a 5k obstacle run in this kind of heat and humidity we are experiencing also seems unappealing. I'm playing it by ear.

At least I'm on a two day streak of being cupcake free...pathetic, I know. 78 days without a donut. I'm working on a no substitutions policy to my sugar vices...

It's not the needle, it's the spoon that kills when you are a food addict. Time to stop forking myself over!

Until next time, keep moving ever forward, one step beyond!
JW

Missing: My Intensity

True Believers,

It took me a while to realize that the cause of my lack of progress in so many areas is due to my lack of belief in my own inner voice. Lately I've allowed that voice to be influenced by the comfort of past success.

Over the past six months I stopped listening to my inner Bobby Knight because frankly, compliments and praise are soothing to a false ego. Words became the new sugar.

This bled over into my nutrition. I stopped believing my situation and weight wasn't so bad. And while improvement was made, it still doesn't change the fact that my mass is unhealthy.

The new health habits that I embraced were shaken apart by a personal family tragedy and a financial setback. As the compliments soothed, so did unhealthy food.

The decision to advance out of debt by moving my business to the next level also limited funds, but the bottom line is that I quit on myself.

I started to believe that my goals and expectations in life were unrealistic. This extends to several other personal areas.
"Relax, be gentler about the process", "You can only do so much", "It won't hurt you to enjoy things a little". Bullshit. I call bullshit on that and the way I reacted.

My inner voice gave those demands for a reason -- I need to be pushed beyond my comfort levels! Complacency is a stagnate death. And lately I've been slowly dying.

Addicts are addicts because they cannot comprehend moderation. I am a sugar addict. The ban on donuts got replaced with multiple cupcake runs. Again, I am seeking comfort when what I need is strife.

My body changed because it was thrust into a position that was do or die. My mentality followed and so did progress.

My unfulfilled ego became sated with compliments and my desire faded. People always say that ego doesn't matter but I'm here to tell you it means everything.

When the ego is in check then all is well in my world-- all cylinders fire and compliment nor criticism mean anything more than the other. The harmony of the inner voice aligned with a clear vision of what must be done are the only thing you need.

This does not mean one should not seek wise council because you should absolutely seek wisdom from the masters.
When you become divided in your attention, the issue of clarity from within becomes suspect. The reason I got in this mess to begin with is because I failed to trust myself, and those who clearly saw through my own bullshit.

Due to personal resins I dropped my mantra of "Private Pyle must die". Now, along with my sorely missed inner fire, I'm picking it back up with a vengeance.

And I welcome, with humility, the challenge by any that said it couldn't be done, knowing that much of the work is done in quiet solitude without any ego stroke.

Private Pyle must die a swift death. And to the mythical red-haired girl -- you ain't as far out of my reach as everyone seems to think.

Plant the seeds, water and nurture them, but understand that growth is stress.

Get moving, ever forward, one step beyond.
JW

Raging ADHD or Raging BS?

True Believers!

The journey to health goes far beyond my addiction to donuts, cake, and lovely red-haired girls. It is an all encompassing path to liberation of the mind as well as the body. I saw an article link on Facebook this morning to a story on ADHD being a fictitious disease and made a statement toward it that I want to share.

"And those with an actual stream of consciousness are labeled as "diseased". Between big pharmacy and religion your government doesn't have to lift a finger to make you a slave; your own naivety and the need to see yourself as flawed are the chains that bind you. The only arms you need to bear in defense are your thoughts but you have willfully surrendered them."

Some of you may be offended by this statement. I debated a bit about posting it here for concern over alienating the readership due to the mention of the two things that shan't be mentioned without getting people up in a tuft: politics and religion.

If you are offended, ask yourself, why?

If you mistook this for a conspiracy theory jab, check again.

What I want to add to this is the fact that I believe, due to my own personal experiences, that a plethora of our societal ills can be fixed with two basic things: nutrition and exercise/physical activity.

Now that I have your attention and have possibly invoked feelings on topics you may be strongly about, I ask that you these questions:

What are you doing today to improve your life and health?

What difference are you making for the lives of your children by helping improve their life and health?

Working for a living isn't an acceptable answer because that alone ain't working to improve, it's simply maintaining or falling behind for many of us.

How are we going to improve if we aren't willing to keep moving ever forward one step beyond?

With Passion,
JW

The Secret Of My Success: Donut Miss This Blog!

DONUT TRY THIS DIET AT HOME

True Believers! A year ago I would have been the last person one would expect to ask about health or fitness. As the pounds dropped people took notice. Two of the most frequent questions are: A. What "diet" are you on? and B. What type of training do you do? This video will answer all of your questions!

19 days down, 416 to go until I beat my self imposed streak of not eating a donut. Challenging C.M. Punk's 434 day title reign was the mental trigger I chose to put them down. The problem is that I have subbed in cake and ice cream; the latter of which always rears it's delicious head when the warm weather sets in. Thankfully summer is relatively a short season in these parts! I'm going to add cake to this list soon. Ice cream should probably join cake on the list...one vice at a time? Weddings and your birthday should be the only occasions for cake anyway, right?

And it's not easy, folks. The donuts can literally roll out of nowhere from the strangest places! This was taken outside the famous Kiedrowski's Simply Delicious Bakery. Don't click that link if you are within a 50 mile radius of Amherst, Ohio because you will want to stop whatever it is that you are doing and drive there! My arm was twisted into two maple pecan Danishes while I was there and they were SPECTACULAR. Shout out to my buddy, Casie aka Pretty Poison, who is known to haunt Kiedrowski's but wasn't there during my visit. She's a fellow baked goods and comic book/superhero/Star Wars junkie who looks far better in an R2D2 bikini than I do.

If you are going to indulge, which we all do from time to time, then I strongly urge you to BUY LOCAL! The quality is superior and it also helps sustain your community. And now I feel less shame for my pastry sins this weekend.

The real secret is maintaining insulin levels and not spiking them. Clean eating, lots of protein, very little to no processed foods. Weight lifting or resistance training BEFORE cardio. This is what works. Lately my sugar creep in has become an avalanche and I'm working through the mental end of this because physically I'm still seeking out sugar. I'll go more into nutrition that actually works for you later but in the meantime just Google the term Paleo Lifestyle. It is important to note that I'm a VORACIOUS omnomnomnivore with highly carnivorous tendencies. All vegan talk will be dismissed with prejudice. I appreciate your compassion but my lust for flesh and blood is just too strong.

I am curious though...What is working or not working for you? Comment away.

The next edition will be on my ongoing identity crisis. Until then keep moving forward one step beyond!

JW

Reality Really Bites Part 3: Up The Creek, Just Down River

True Believers!

It's been a while but I'm not the kind of guy to write just to hear my fingers peck on a keyboard. I do want to share with you yet ANOTHER casting experience I had with Biggest Loser last weekend in Cincinnati, Ohio.

Three weeks ago my employer received a call from someone claiming to be the casting director for the Biggest Loser Cincinnati event. She asked if any of our customers or employees would be interested in attending. The offer was extended as a cross promotion and all she would need were email addresses and contact info. All of this seemed legit since the name matched and our demographic could benefit. Without hesitation I offered contact info for myself and a friend who encouraged me to attend despite my lack of success last season.

I immediately messaged my buddy to tell him we had passes to jump ahead of the line! Could the same stars that aligned last year be realigning to FINALLY get me the shot at $250,000? We were beginning to believe.

The week before my friend and I had a falling out about similarities between the content of our videos. Pedro, if you are reading this, I ain't mad Bro. hopefully the recounting of what went down will make you feel better about your decision to not attend.

I emailed the director asking for protocol to advance in the line. This person told me to "arrive at 3pm and my name would be on the list". Now I've been the man WITH the list before for much of my life in music so I took the word as good. Since I no longer had a partner to share gas and lodging expenses I opted to wait until the morning of the casting to travel so I could avoid a hotel bill. This is of course because I fully expected to have to stay over for a callback on Sunday. See, I still have that positive, borderline arrogant, spirit that I thought faded!

Great time was made on the drive; I even spotted a coyote standing along side the highway. In many native cultures the coyote represents the trickster. The thought made me chuckle. What could possibly go wrong?  I had front of line privileges AGAIN, and an even better video story than last year! In it to win it.

 I took one of my largest outfits and put it on over top my clothes in preparation for a big reveal during the expected two minutes of roundtable for these types of casting events. I had my speech promo mapped out in my head and i was ready to unload and show the world that it was my time!

"Hi, (insert casting director's name) has me on her list, I was told to arrive at 3pm"
"You aren't on the list"

What.the.frack. Here I am, holding up pants that are 20 sizes too big, wearing what looks like a giant red clown jacket, trying to pull the "surely you must be mistaken" card. He wasn't mistaken, I WASN'T ON THE LIST!

Having been the keeper of the list for more events than most will ever attend, I kept calm. I then produced the email and showed it to him. I told him that I was a callback last season and that I'd been through the process before. When I told him there is no reason in hell I'd show up at 3PM! without instruction to do so knowing how big the line would be that late in the day. He informed me that I wasn't the only one who was in the situation; there was a scam going around and there were others that got through earlier that shouldn't have passed.

I didn't give the man any guff, I merely held onto my clown pants and headed back to the end of a line that was 2,000 people deep at 3:15pm. He assured me he would check into it and come back for me. I've used that line before, I know the score...

Part of my trip included meeting up with an old roller derby friend and announcing partner to take in my first post-retirement from announcing duty bout. I was looking forward to enjoying the sport with my friend who also left the broadcast booth last year. From the end of a still growing line I sent a text informing him of the situation and that I would be trapped in line and couldn't make it. Oh, hello coyote, you were actually an omen this morning!

After the third pass to count the growing line, the gentleman with the list made good on his word. Not only did he check on me, he PULLED ME TO THE FRONT! Clearly he knew that all in Olympus had sent me there to save the fat portion of the human race, I mused as I struggled to walk the line and hold up my old size 66 khakis.

This was it! Go time. I'd even paced out my promo and had it right about the two minute mark.. I was informed once inside the Planet Fitness where the actually casting screenings were happening, that due to the amount of attendees we would only have 30 seconds. Huh? Really? 30 seconds? So much for my great promo. I mean, I can tell you how great I am but it'd take more than 30 seconds to scratch the surface of that greatness!

It went. That's about all I can say about that. They asked what our greatest challenge was outside of our weight was and I went OFF! My 30 seconds was some great heel promo about how it was ridiculous to consider that question because EVERYTHING challenging revolved around my weight. My time was brief but I let it loose on them and I feel great for doing it my way. I still think my villainous self would be more watchable than a bunch of crybabies any day. Apparently they haven't come around to that idea.

We were all thanked and dismissed with the instruction that callbacks would be made by 10pm. I did make the bout in time! The first half of a double header was enjoyed track side and I loved the experience of being just a fan! Of course I'm a fan of the sport but it was great to not have to work the call.After 7:30 my phone didn't leave my hand. by just after 8pm my phone was almost dead. There was no way I would possibly miss my callback so I said my fare wells and went to my truck to charge my phone. Of course I'd have to wait around til 10pm so I could get instructions for my callback, right? The Cincinnati Rollergirls always put on a great event so it made it even harder to split early. I stopped at the merchandise booth and picked up a shirt to support the league. This is something I LOVE doing now that I'm no longer too fat to be a fan!

Nope. 10:00 pm and the phone never rang.In search of satisfaction I decided to head to Terry's Turf Club and take in arguably the best burger the city had to offer, no bun of course. It was top of the line and if you are ever in Cincy, get there before midnight and enjoy!

All in all I got something I needed out of this trip on multiple levels. It was a minute out of town which I desperately needed. A solid vacation is still needed but we're still in financial limbo so that'll have to wait. What I needed most was my spark. The rough winter and everything else really took it out of me. When I hit that line and I saw so many people struggling with the same issues it made me really appreciate my progress. Then I saw some of them stepping out of line and shoving cigarettes into their over 400lb faces it made me realize that the boat I'm in ain't so bad. In comparison to the one they are in, mine seems like a yacht with a flag on the top that says "chillin' the most". Yes, I quoted Kid Rock. Why? Because he has one of the strongest work ethics in his business. And after seeing the defeat on the faces of those people in line, I realized just how strong my work ethic was and just how much I was neglecting it.

I'm back.

Hi, my name is J.W., I'm 37 soon to be 38 years old and I now weigh 392lbs. This is my wake up call. This will make sense once I post my casting video which will happen very soon. Until we meet again, keep moving forward one step beyond!

Yours in burgers without buns (and half the fries, I prefer tots),

J.W. aka the highlight of Monday night.

Thank You, Charles Ramsey

Can we get the Superman logo replaced with a "C" and make a commemorative #believeintheCLE shirt to raise funds to get Charles Ramsey a sweet reward? Let's make this happen!