Delivering Me From The Ghost of Pizzas Past

During the course of this last year I've experienced far more emotion than I can at times process. Sorting through them has been at times a labour; discerning which emotional triggers are tied to the old me is an even greater charge. These ramblings will chronicle some of these experiences.

The impetus for this blog comes from an encounter with an old dealer for my favourite drug: pizza. Before I moved to Louisville and had a break down (I'll give you this story soon, promise) I had a bad pizza habit. Upon moving back into my old apartment building I ordered from a popular and delicious local dealer. This order brought my old addiction back up.

The delivery person went to the old apartment I used to live in the year prior instead of my current. He called to see where I was. When he got to the new door he said "I remember delivering to your old place late at night all the time." When I told him about my move a d return he replied "welcome back". I knew it was time to reevaluate! I'd been kicking arse for months and wasn't about to fall back into an old pattern of destructive eating.

I've been able to identify loneliness and fear of abandonment as critical issues regarding my relationship with food. Growing up in a home that became broken in early adolescence gave way to food being a substitute for a newly single working Mom. She always made sure there was plenty of food on the table.

The issue was that there was rarely any company to share that food; as I came home from school my mom would have to leave for work.

A bit of the poor nutrition I had growing up relates to poverty; much of our household meals were relegated to high starch and high sodium staples like pasta, bread, and potatoes. I was unaware that lettuce outside of the detested iceberg even existed until high school. My families Appalachian upbringing did give way to some delicious recipes but we all know southern comfort cooking isn't the healthiest.

When my mother met my future stepfather I was in junior high and I spent a lot of time alone on the weekends. During this time pizza became the babysitter and let me tell you I LOVED my sitter! I even had a tab at a local pizza shop that delivered; they were next door to my Mom's factory and she would settle my tab and pay the baby sitter bi-weekly.

My recent posts undoubtedly drive some friends batty as I'm constantly seeking company to dine out. This may seem expensive (I have a much healthier breakfast food habit!) but it's actually cheaper than paying my old babysitter to come by. And from 2007-spring 2011 my sitter made a lot of money.

Dining out provides portion control and fills a needed social interaction that I missed for much of my life. It helps me appreciate the nutrition of what I consume on a greater level. It also represents a transparency to what I consume and reaffirms my position of not hiding away while empty pizza boxes stack up.

Binging in loneliness is the greater issue I face. It manifested in my wanton consumption of food. The attempted delivery to my old apartment was symbolic; Its as if the "old me" ordered that night out of loneliness.

Now that I'm aware of this trigger I often seek out company to share more than a meal. It's about sharing an appreciation for life! So please feel free to pull up a chair or diner stool and join me for some sustenance. This is unless of course you see a lovely red haired girl in my presence. In that case just give me a wink and a nod and be on your way!

Year Zero: The Pain Feels Different Now

True Believers!

Thank you for all of your support in my Facebook page! I ask that you share this blog with a friend who is struggling with weight and body image issues as my Facebook page will not be made available to everyone.

Today, Dec 26, 2012 is my one year mark towards getting healthy and smaller. When I started this journey I was in tremendous physical, mental, and dare I say spiritual pain due to years of carrying a morbidly obese body around.

Now, I'm in a bit of pain due to delayed onset muscle soreness and the conditioning of a beginner's CrossFit class! Private Pyle must die.

The pain tastes better now. And there shall be no sweeter taste then completing this transformation and winning the heart of a lovely red-haired maiden! (a running theme for those new to my ramblings)

I'm a bit behind on the back story and I'll publish it in bits. Much of it is painful to recall and deeply personal but I want to get you some numbers first. We all love/hate them, right?

Starting suit jacket: size 68
Current suit jacket: 58 long!

Starting pants: size 66
Current pants: size 48-50!

Starting t shirt: 6XL
Current t shirt: 2XL (I prefer 2xl tall)

Starting dress shirt: neck 24, sleeve 38
Current dress shirt: neck 20, sleeve 38

And finally...starting weight was over 550lbs unknown
Beginning recorded weight: 536
One year later recorded weight: 392

144lbs lost. This is 31 shy of my goal.

There is no miracle product or supplement. Only hard work and dedication will achieve your goals and these things must come from within you. I'll do my best to share my successes and failures so that others fighting their own battles can learn. It's all about the exchange of information. I want to help as many people as possible win their fight!

Follow my nutrition/calorie counts on the following FREE apps Myfitnesspal: ProfMarvel
And my movements on Fitocracy: ProfMarvel

There's a fabulous podcast called Cut The Fat that I highly recommend. Start with the first five in order for the basics. They aren't selling you secrets, they are exchanging years of data driven science on healthy living.

Ever Forward, One Step Beyond!
JW

Give Up The Ghost

Today I decided to be done chasing a delusion and a playing a game with no finish or victory. It's easy to fall into such traps because they end with you alone and miserable; this feeds a martyr complex that I can't stand but am guilty of taking on in affairs of the heart.

It's a safe feeling, the isolation. Somehow as boastful as I can become, I manage to strike down things I truly deserve such as happiness.

My fulfilled ego is bigger and healthier than its ever been. My Id is in check and super ego on the level. I petitioned and the Universe provided in spades. Now it's time to cash the check.

I am the real. The real is that which I will strive to endeavor

Today's Failure Was A Success

I'm midway through this transformation and I promise I'll get you the back story soon. Since my plateau and slip in nutrition I've essentially taken the stance of "this is my new starting point". Having said that, howdy!

My name is Jimmie, or J.W., and I now weigh 400 lbs. How did I get into this condition you might ask? Well in 22 days I'll have been working down from 536 lbs. What's even scarier is that I was over 550 lbs in an unknown zone waiting to die young. Fear not, true believers, I'm here to tell you the tale.

We'll go into more about this later but I want to share my experience today. It's about confronting fear. You see, I'm the fat kid that walked off the football field in 7th grade because I couldn't hack the conditioning. This still bothers me to this day.

Part of my healing process is coming out of my comfort zone. Lately my work outs have become stale; the intensity just isn't where I like it to be because I'm not pushing myself. The force that propelled me to a 140 plus sliding pound loss in under a year has waned as of late. I decided to turn it up with CrossFit.

I must confess I'm a bit scared of CrossFit. Two weeks ago I even had a nightmare about it not working out. My physical condition at present is not going to pull off all the basic moves in the system. There's no way I can do a pull up yet or box jumps. But my honey badger spirit signed on for a 3 week beginner course that started today.

No one likes to do things they aren't good at doing. Humans like to feel comfortable and competent. As for me I hate losing probably more than the next person; so much that I even curse when I lose on lottery tickets! I expect to win in this life. And yes, all the time. This is why I will never truly lose.

Today I finished last in our mini WOD but I finished. I suspect that this might be the case for a while but it's not going to stop me. All I have to do is beat myself. By showing up, doing work I never thought I could do (and still doubt at times) I WILL IMPROVE. This attitude is a crucial part of becoming the man I want and need to be.

Be willing to stop accepting your best excuses. Be willing to let go of whatever is behind whatever is holding you down.
Until next time remember to keep moving, ever forward, one step beyond.
JW

Hostess A Victim of the Twilight Zone?

Remember that Twilight Zone in which Billy Mumy got ticked off and magically wished people and things into a cornfield ne'er to return? I wish I had that power for the holidays. Maybe I do? DO NOT DOUBT the great and powerful Oz!

Curse you holiday cookies, cakes, pies, bakery, and cheer! You're a very bad snack. First I wished Hostess away and now Lil' Debbie is next. Feel the wrath, sugary temptress!