During the course of this last year I've experienced far more emotion than I can at times process. Sorting through them has been at times a labour; discerning which emotional triggers are tied to the old me is an even greater charge. These ramblings will chronicle some of these experiences.
The impetus for this blog comes from an encounter with an old dealer for my favourite drug: pizza. Before I moved to Louisville and had a break down (I'll give you this story soon, promise) I had a bad pizza habit. Upon moving back into my old apartment building I ordered from a popular and delicious local dealer. This order brought my old addiction back up.
The delivery person went to the old apartment I used to live in the year prior instead of my current. He called to see where I was. When he got to the new door he said "I remember delivering to your old place late at night all the time." When I told him about my move a d return he replied "welcome back". I knew it was time to reevaluate! I'd been kicking arse for months and wasn't about to fall back into an old pattern of destructive eating.
I've been able to identify loneliness and fear of abandonment as critical issues regarding my relationship with food. Growing up in a home that became broken in early adolescence gave way to food being a substitute for a newly single working Mom. She always made sure there was plenty of food on the table.
The issue was that there was rarely any company to share that food; as I came home from school my mom would have to leave for work.
A bit of the poor nutrition I had growing up relates to poverty; much of our household meals were relegated to high starch and high sodium staples like pasta, bread, and potatoes. I was unaware that lettuce outside of the detested iceberg even existed until high school. My families Appalachian upbringing did give way to some delicious recipes but we all know southern comfort cooking isn't the healthiest.
When my mother met my future stepfather I was in junior high and I spent a lot of time alone on the weekends. During this time pizza became the babysitter and let me tell you I LOVED my sitter! I even had a tab at a local pizza shop that delivered; they were next door to my Mom's factory and she would settle my tab and pay the baby sitter bi-weekly.
My recent posts undoubtedly drive some friends batty as I'm constantly seeking company to dine out. This may seem expensive (I have a much healthier breakfast food habit!) but it's actually cheaper than paying my old babysitter to come by. And from 2007-spring 2011 my sitter made a lot of money.
Dining out provides portion control and fills a needed social interaction that I missed for much of my life. It helps me appreciate the nutrition of what I consume on a greater level. It also represents a transparency to what I consume and reaffirms my position of not hiding away while empty pizza boxes stack up.
Binging in loneliness is the greater issue I face. It manifested in my wanton consumption of food. The attempted delivery to my old apartment was symbolic; Its as if the "old me" ordered that night out of loneliness.
Now that I'm aware of this trigger I often seek out company to share more than a meal. It's about sharing an appreciation for life! So please feel free to pull up a chair or diner stool and join me for some sustenance. This is unless of course you see a lovely red haired girl in my presence. In that case just give me a wink and a nod and be on your way!
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