My Gloves Are Still Up

True Believers, my absence from writing is not something I will go into too great of detail about here. Recently my family suffered a tragic loss; my dear nephew took his own life on April 8, 2013. It's hard to process it and I can't say that I'll walk away from this the same man I was. What I will say is that I'm looking for light amidst this darkness. I'm not a man of any religious affiliation nor do I have any intention of seeking solace in any scriptures so I ask that you spare me any messages or remarks of that nature.

Most of my usual operations have ceased for a bit while I try and pull it together. My own personal battle with depression was beating me down due to the winter that wouldn't go away. Internally I've not been myself for some time and the most prevalent indicator has been my nutrition and my attitude toward making healthy choices. If you ask me on any given day I'll most likely tell you that I'm an ass kicking machine when it comes to anything I'm passionate about- comic books, the endless pursuit of redheads who grace magazine covers, wrasslin', trivia. and weight loss. My general attitude is brazenly confident, outgoing, and overly positive. Lately that version of me has been AWOL and Private Pyle has been the dominant mentality.

My nephew was an inspiration to me. His childhood wasn't the easiest and I watched him overcome so many obstacles. He was among the first close to me to undergo a body transformation that wowed me and gave me an AHA! moment. We both shared a love for MMA and oddly enough it was the following clip of UFC great, Chael Sonnen, that gave me a much needed revelation about my situation beyond the immediate grief I'm wading through: Failure is always an option. Please take a minute to watch the link.

The same rationale can be applied to life. It's hard to own up to the societal and self imposed view that opening up about one's feelings or seeking help is a sign of weakness. There is always a fear in my mind that those who look up to me or rely on me will be let down. Job, relationship, friends, family all have expectations based upon the roles you fill with each. As men we are supposed to be self sufficient and tough as nails on all fronts, right? I'm here to admit I'm wrong about that.

Part of the reason I started to open up about my experience through this process is because I wanted to help others who are going through a similar situation. The point of continuing my work is to improve my situation on all fronts- better health, healthier relationships and greater manifestations of opportunities to grow as a person. We all fight our own battles and must learn to walk away from a loss and learn from it.

My grief is turning to anger over this situation, which, in my view is progress. Apathy got me into plenty of messes and anger was the impetus that helped me get out of them. My heart is heavy and so is my ass due to all my recent grief and depression eating. It's time to pick up the pieces and get back to work. It's time for me to reach through and make a true believer out of myself again. This will be easier once I decide on which identity I want to embrace. Tune into the next blog later this week on the struggle of identity.

Until next time keep moving ever forward, one step beyond.

JW

I'll Always remember you with your gloves up.

Always A Reverend, Never A Groom

True Believers! Spring is upon us! And with the arrival of the blossoms come the blooms of love. Ah, Spring! This is the start of wedding season; a desolate time of year when you are fat and alone. I realize weddings are at times stressful for everyone of all shapes and sizes but I just want to share my perspective from both the podium as a preacher and the flimsy folding chairs as a fat guy in attendance.

Always a Reverend, never a groom. This size 66 jacket became too small to button. I was waiting for the rain and my life to end.

As some of you know, I'm a wedding officiant here in Ohio. My ordainment goes back to 1996 and was issued through The Universal Life Church. The story about why I became ordained is reserved for face to face chat so I'll tell you about it if you ask...maybe. It wasn't until 2003 that I considered and began performing marriage services. This came about purely out of necessity to serve friends in need; a co-worker wanted to wed his long time partner and neither belonged to a church or wanted a courthouse ceremony. Can you blame them? Court is an awful, awful place. Did I mention that the fines, court costs, parking tickets, and lot fees to fight my last ticket totaled $476?

When you are fat and single fewer things are worse than getting a wedding invitation.Yes, this is true for us guys too. Everyone shows up wearing their best and their clothes actually fit. Couples hold each other a bit closer and some dream of their turn at walking down that aisle. Children, flowers, tears of joy, open bars, and CAKE! I guess weddings aren't that bad for fat loners, I mean free booze AND cake? Don't think me to be ungrateful for the invites, think of this more as a moment of honesty from a friend. Relationships are tough, marriage can be a lot of work, but single life in your thirties ain't no picnic.

You have to find something to wear, search through registries and buy a gift, and maybe even be forced into pictures -- good grief! The worst part is knowing you have the capacity to care and not being able to get a date that is concerned with anything beyond an open bar or showing mercy upon your miserable bloated soul. At least these are the thoughts that ran through my head and I'm sure I'm not alone on this, am I? I can't be the only person who has ever buckled a folding reception chair, can I?

 Can you guess who is single in this photo?

As an officiant the roles were somewhat reversed. I don't have to buy a gift, I can wear the same suit, AND it's expected that I don't show up with a date! Did I mention FREE CAKE?! It would seem like a win-win situation. I even get a check, cash is preferred of course, to appear and provide the service. This isn't such a bad deal.

Over the years I'v been honored to perform weddings for some of my dearest friends. Sharing in their big days has provided me with some of my fondest memories. At the same time it's been an emotional process that has also been among the more painful experiences at times. Seeing all of your closest friends off into wedded bliss knowing that you are doomed to be alone due to your weight hurts. It got to the point that it hurt so much that I nearly stopped doing weddings all together a couple of years ago.

At my highest weight it was even painful to physically stand through a ceremony. I never want to feel that way again.

                                                 
My feelings towards weddings have changed quite a bit since the transformation. It's slightly less painful to be seen in photographs since dropping 160 excess pounds. The feelings of hopelessness have lightened. If I had to pinpoint the ceremony that was a turning point it would be my dear friend and long time music collaborator's wedding this past October. She has taken up a healthier lifestyle herself and finally found the love of her life. This wedding in particular choked me up like no other -- for once I finally began to see the possibility of being in a state of mind to embrace the possibility of finding love!

 Instead of looking at the outside of myself as I had done my whole life, I was able to see love within my being. I was finally taking care of my body and it showed. The outer appearance was now starting to resemble the love I'd shown myself by improving my health! The night became a celebration of life and love that I actually felt comfortable enjoying! Normally at a close friends wedding I would have been three sheets to the wind before the  meal was served. This night was different; I was nearing my one year anniversary of becoming straight edge and I couldn't have been happier to NOT have alcohol! Did I mention I only had one piece of cake? Maybe two? It was two and they were spectacular! It was a beautiful evening in so many ways.

A recent connection via another friend and wedding professional has motivated me to pick up the practice again with a full head of steam. My passion for bringing people together has been rekindled! With a renewed outlook on life I look forward with  to bringing couples from all walks of life together while taking up less space in the photos! And as a wedding guest the probability of wedding dates outside those with friends out of consolation or charity. Even though my bleak attitude towards relationships has lifted considerably I'm still convinced I'll remain single for quite some time. Perpetual bachelorhood isn't so bad when you are happy with who you are and I'm becoming happier both inside and out. Additionally, it would take one hell of a red-haired fireball for me to ever consider walking that aisle and standing on the other side of the altar. Did I ever mention I love a challenge?

If you or someone you know is in need of a wedding officiant in Ohio, please contact me! Thanks for reading! Please share with anyone you know who is battling with weight related or body image issues. And until next time keep moving ever forward one step beyond!

JW

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Back To Whence I Came

Fear not, True Believers! The title of this post does not imply that Private Pyle won an we will be retreating back to the "before" portion of the new before & after pic. This is a tale of friendship and synchronicity that emerged out of a situation that has been a thorn in my side for a while.

In early March I put forth a battle plan to improve myself. Right around that time I also acquired a lovely ticket for allegedly running a red light in a snow storm or possibly sliding through a yellow while deftly maneuvering out of the intersection to avoid obstructing the flow of traffic. This being a second minor traffic offense within one year meant I could not mail in the waiver. This also carried the possibility of a maximum of 30 days in jail.

No one goes to jail on these stupid tickets, I realize this. All I wanted was a chance to plead my case and stand down the accusation. The judge, who is notoriously a hard nose against traffic tickets, was in NO mood to hear anyone who wasn't an attorney for my pretrial two weeks ago. I begrudgingly, yet respectfully, asked for a continuance to seek legal counsel.; my reluctance stemming from the fact that a public defender in that particular session invoked nothing but rage from the bench. My cortisol levels have been elevated lately to say the least.


My phone went off  a couple days ago- a fitness friend I made along the way sent a text message and said that "the pool ain't the same without you". We used to schedule early morning workouts and I always did my best to make them. This in turn helped hold him accountable for showing up. He's been battling restart issues, a pilonidal cyst that required emergency surgery, and his old nutritional habits lately but seems to have his head back in the game. Since I parted ways with the old gym I haven't seen him but we still touch base from time to time. I felt humbled by our conversation when he asked if I would join him at the gym again.

I told him that I could barely afford the $125 membership I had and that there was no way to do both. My plan involved 3-4 WODs per week and I really wanted to stick to plan. He asked if I would return to the gym and extended the offer to pick up my membership saying it would be worth the motivation to him to have me around. I was floored but to proud to accept the offer.


After being reassured by wise counsel that the "30 day threat" was usually just that, I calmed a bit. When I was told that I could get the max of $250 in  addition to $160 in court costs that are automatically assessed for non-waiverable offenses I almost had a stroke! To top it off I earned two parking violations during my courthouse visits because I didn't have the cash to pay the inflated parking costs over the cheaper meters. This was an additional $65 in funds I don't have! This was getting too expensive to fight so I have to swallow my pride and plead hopefully to a lesser charge in spite of knowing it's a bunch of MALARKEY. I am a criminal who steals time and space! No parking spots are safe while I roam the streets!

All this comes right near the first of the month. Rent, bills, fines for crimes against time and space, and CrossFit membership all come due along with the rest of this highway robbery. Part of my battle plan centered around WODs. What I love about CrossFit is the fact that you get to play hard. Dropping weights during cleans, snatches, etc. is frowned upon in many gyms including the one I used to belong to. At the box Oly lifts, ball slams, and wall balls are more common than the lines of cardio reading stations that bore us all to tears.

 Even though I have some bumper plates and live on the first floor of my building it's not feasible to attempt Oly style lifts in my cramped apartment. With all of this extra debt I have to forego CrossFit for at least a month to recoup the loss to the city. To say I'm pissed is an understatement. I wish this were an April Fools joke but it's not.

Fitness can be achieved nearly anywhere and you don't need a gym membership to do this. The big reason I maintain one is because it holds me accountable because there is an applied monetary value I don't want to waste. I still have plenty I can do but I now would have fewer tools to use. Wah, wah, excuses, excuses. But wait! There was a possible solution right at my fingertips?

I sent a text back explaining the circumstances and asked if the offer still stood. Thankfully, it did. Later today I'm meeting my buddy for lunch and he's signing me back in for April. This means I have to venture away from my newly found CrossFit home for a bit and that sucks. In their honor I will take the insight and intensity gained doing CrossFit with me into the the "outside" gym. I can't use the term "Globogym" because it's not a chain and is also a rehabilitation health facility.

I'll do my best to not drop any barbells but I ain't making that a promise. It'll be nice to see my old fitness family members while getting after it harder than ever!

The friends I'm making on this new path never cease to amaze me. Positive attitudes can spread just as fast as negativity if you let them. Sometimes when the Universe throws you a curve you have to adjust your grip and change your swing a bit. This could have easily been an excuse to cease training but thanks to my buddy, Pedro, it isn't. Among friends in this fight we live to fight another day. Plus I still have a bunch of gift certificates that I won at the old gym that can be cashed in for swim lessons. There is that fitness bucket list and one of those goals requires swimming! Maybe one day I'll enjoying a beach without people trying to save me by pushing me back into the ocean...And onward we march, back into the pool, ever forward one step beyond!

JW