My Gloves Are Still Up

True Believers, my absence from writing is not something I will go into too great of detail about here. Recently my family suffered a tragic loss; my dear nephew took his own life on April 8, 2013. It's hard to process it and I can't say that I'll walk away from this the same man I was. What I will say is that I'm looking for light amidst this darkness. I'm not a man of any religious affiliation nor do I have any intention of seeking solace in any scriptures so I ask that you spare me any messages or remarks of that nature.

Most of my usual operations have ceased for a bit while I try and pull it together. My own personal battle with depression was beating me down due to the winter that wouldn't go away. Internally I've not been myself for some time and the most prevalent indicator has been my nutrition and my attitude toward making healthy choices. If you ask me on any given day I'll most likely tell you that I'm an ass kicking machine when it comes to anything I'm passionate about- comic books, the endless pursuit of redheads who grace magazine covers, wrasslin', trivia. and weight loss. My general attitude is brazenly confident, outgoing, and overly positive. Lately that version of me has been AWOL and Private Pyle has been the dominant mentality.

My nephew was an inspiration to me. His childhood wasn't the easiest and I watched him overcome so many obstacles. He was among the first close to me to undergo a body transformation that wowed me and gave me an AHA! moment. We both shared a love for MMA and oddly enough it was the following clip of UFC great, Chael Sonnen, that gave me a much needed revelation about my situation beyond the immediate grief I'm wading through: Failure is always an option. Please take a minute to watch the link.

The same rationale can be applied to life. It's hard to own up to the societal and self imposed view that opening up about one's feelings or seeking help is a sign of weakness. There is always a fear in my mind that those who look up to me or rely on me will be let down. Job, relationship, friends, family all have expectations based upon the roles you fill with each. As men we are supposed to be self sufficient and tough as nails on all fronts, right? I'm here to admit I'm wrong about that.

Part of the reason I started to open up about my experience through this process is because I wanted to help others who are going through a similar situation. The point of continuing my work is to improve my situation on all fronts- better health, healthier relationships and greater manifestations of opportunities to grow as a person. We all fight our own battles and must learn to walk away from a loss and learn from it.

My grief is turning to anger over this situation, which, in my view is progress. Apathy got me into plenty of messes and anger was the impetus that helped me get out of them. My heart is heavy and so is my ass due to all my recent grief and depression eating. It's time to pick up the pieces and get back to work. It's time for me to reach through and make a true believer out of myself again. This will be easier once I decide on which identity I want to embrace. Tune into the next blog later this week on the struggle of identity.

Until next time keep moving ever forward, one step beyond.

JW

I'll Always remember you with your gloves up.