In Bloom: The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?

True Believers,

It's been a while since I've written but there has been a lot on my mind as of late. The loss of my nephew took a lot out of me and I'm still reeling from it. During the course of my absence from writing I've been struggling with my own weight related identity issues and depression. I want to address some of them here openly because there may be someone out there reading this who needs to know that they are not as alone as they may think. This is my free form of mental health care.

A big contributor to my bouts with the black dog as of late have of course been financial. Getting slammed for over $400 in traffic court fines really set me back -- it was a slide through a red light in a white out, no accident for crying out loud!!!

Recent pay restructuring at work has also led to an average loss of roughly $80 a month in wages. I've pared down my enjoyment spending quite a bit and it sucks.It's not at the cat food for dinner? level so there is hope.

 As a result I now find myself without any type of gym membership whatsoever for the first time since I started my journey. A membership has provided me with refuge through the loss of my stepfather, teaching career change, multiple health scares from an ailing Mum and of course the natural brutality of a Cleveland winter. Thanks in part to wintry conditions and a notoriously merciless traffic judge, I now lack the funds to maintain my refuge. This still really bothers me and I have to find something soon aside from walking/trying to jog.

This winter lingered far too long! A scene from a morning walk in March.

My depression peaks seasonally. This winter in particular was difficult because I've really been struggling with the old habits of Private Pyle; my generally high self confidence has waned and I've been making late night binge runs to the 24 hour grocery store on a regular basis. It's almost as if I can't grasp the direction in which I was heading and I'm finding it easier to re-route back to the old me. It's incredibly frustrating. Despite these hurdles I've maintained nutrition tracking so I can reflect upon the garbage I'm putting in my system. If I get to the point where I'm not doing that or lying then I know it's time to call in a professional. The thought of counseling has entered my mind but alas I'm uninsured like many Americans and cannot afford it. Per the suggestion of a friend I'm considering attending an Over-eaters Anonymous group. I will openly admit I'm not a fan of 12 step programs but I'm willing to give it a try.

I received a message from my support group leader, Dr. Ray, that asked if someone were to look into your car would they think that a healthy or fit person was the driver. I cringed when I read it! I'm a messy Marvin by nature. My tendencies during peak bouts of depression lend to a complete disregard for housekeeping, especially when it comes to clothes. This situation, combined with the fact that we've seen weather days in the 80 degree range followed by snow the following day have made the mess even worse! When you add the fact that I'm still holding on to clothing that is WAY too big you get a disaster. Here it is folks, in living color...the mess that was my room.

80 and sunny out today with chance of snow tomorrow! 

I can hear it now: "CLEAN YOUR ROOM!" Don't worry, I did. And it helped lift my spirits immensely. The weather has finally broken and that is helping quite a bit. I finally started the Couch to 5K program in preparation for the Warrior Dash in August. And my really fat kid clothing has been bagged up and most of it donated. Some was sold since I needed cash; it was relatively new and I found a consignment store that deals with big men's clothing. Now I really need to clean my kitchen and take a better interest in prepping...baby step into the kitchen, baby step to the sink...I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful...

There is something else I want to mention. Despite the major bummer of not making the casting cut for The Biggest Loser last year, I've decided to give it another go. The video editing and new sequences have put my lack of progress into perspective. The casting is this Saturday in Cincinnati. Afterword I plan on taking in my first roller derby bout as a spectator since leaving the announce booth! I'll let you know how it turns out but for now I gotta make like a banana and split! We have to find something that fits properly to wear to a casting call. Any suggestions? Anyone you know going to the May 11 casting?

Keep moving ever forward, one step beyond!

JW

P.S.
At midnight I'll be one week DONUT FREE! Now if I can shuffle away from cake I'll be ok.
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